Why?

This past Tuesday, I had the freedom to run, but I didn't have the will. I try to run on a 10 day cycle. So, that means I alternate between Tuesdays and Fridays for my long runs, well, at least while my weekends are tied up in kid sports and activities. I'm usually chomping at the bit to get out and get some miles in whenever I get a chance. I like to run with a buddy, but solo is fine as long as I'm out there. Weather doesn't really matter. Unless it's unsafe, I'll be out there. Hot, cold, rainy, sunny, icy or snowy even, I'm out there. Sick, tired, crazy, unless I'm injured or bed ridden, I'll be out there. Running is something I usually gravitate toward rather than away from. I look forward to it, crave it and need it to stay sane. It has become so much a part of my life now that I can't imagine my life or my personality without it. Tuesday, though, I was ready to scrap the plan almost as soon as I drug myself out of bed. It was rainy and cold. I was tired. I was going solo. I didn't eat well the day before or that morning. My fireplace and a good book were calling my name. I just wasn't feeling it. I was even questioning why I run in the first place.

I texted a friend to tell her I didn't want to run. She offered to give me fake time splits or call me ugly names (we're reading the same running books right now, that's from Born to Run). I told her to yell at me in Spanish (that's from Eat and Run). She texted back "Soló quince millas!" Only 15 miles. Only. Ugh. I complained to myself as I strapped on my junk. I griped to the bathroom and back out. I forgot my hat. The rain stung my face. I trudged through the 1st mile. Had to pee, so I turned around. Passed people smiling, looking all happy. I was miserable. My hips were stiff and sore. My stomach was not happy with my cereal bar and water. My feet were aching. 2 miles in, and I felt like I had run 20 miles already. Back out there. "Just suck it up and get it done. You know you'll hate yourself for quitting before you're done." Over and over, I told myself. "Suck it up and get it done." By mile 4, I was soaking wet, cold and tired of the rain in my face. Then I started to settle in. My pace evened out. My heart beat and breathing combined with the rain, my hair brushing the back of my shirt and the sound of my feet hitting the ground, it all started to sound like music. It felt like music. I finally felt like running.

So, I ran. The next 11 miles were bliss. I prayed. I sang. I soaked in the rain. I enjoyed the scenery around me.

I reveled in the beauty of the run, and I was so glad I didn't scrap it all. I would have missed it. If I ever have to give it up for good, I'll miss it 'til I die.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain why I run. The time to myself, the connection and community I get from other runners, the endorphins and other happy side effects of pushing myself physically, the connection I feel with the world around me, it all somehow intertwines into this beautiful thing that makes me happy. I run because I can, and I'm so very grateful for that.

Just get it over with

The theme for today's run: Just get it over with. I think it was the very definition of 'wog'. You know a slower workout that isn't a walk because you jogged a little and isn't a jog because you walked a little. A wog is not a run/walk because in those workouts the walk is planned recovery for the harder running. This whole run was a struggle. I couldn't get my heart rate to stay in the right zone, and I had to keep walking to get it under control. It took FOREVER to fall back down to the recovery zone. Eventually, I just decided walking was going to work better and let myself walk. A surrender test? Overtraining? I don't really know the answer. All I know is that I want to get back at the hard fast fun stuff soon, but my body seems to be slowing down rather than speeding up.

I'm supposed to start my marathon peak training next week. I'm always telling fellow runners that walking is an excellent cross training activity for runners. Maybe I should take my own advice, slow this week down and walk more than I run.

The current plan for this week:

Monday - Easy 5 (actually only did 4.4 since I was a little ahead from last week)
Tuesday - Long 15
Wednesday - Easy 5
Thursday - Easy 5
Friday - Easy 5
Saturday - Hills/intervals 5
Sunday - Rest

We'll see if I can stick to it.

I surrender

I've run 61+ miles this month so far. That's more in 10 days than I ran the whole month of December. I'm super stoked about that. What I'm struggling with is how much slower I have to be to keep my heart in the right zone for my easy runs.

Today I had to run on the treadmill due to our crazy sport schedule, and I prefer treadmill workouts to be fast so I can get off the darn thing. Today, though, I kept having to walk because my heart rate kept shooting above the zone I wanted. I was struggling and frustrated with my body not doing things the way I wanted, not being efficient enough for the speed I needed for the time I wanted to spend. Then one of my new favorite songs came on my iPod, Multiplied by Needtobreathe. "God of mercy, sweet love of mine. I have surrendered to your design." My mind wandered to the design of my body, my mind, my schedule, and I found myself actually saying out loud, "I surrender."

I lowered the speed below (yes, I said below) the 12:00 minute mile pace I only allow myself when I'm out on a run with good conversation. I took some deep breaths, stopped counting my cadence and settled into a nice rythm. Soon my heart slowed, and I was singing along without a struggle. I was even able to bump the pace back up toward the end of my run allowing my ego a little less bruising, and I finished feeling like I could have done a few more miles if I had more time. That's not normal for a treadmill run for me.

It's amazing what we can do when we quit fighting ourselves, when we quit fighting all the unchangeables in our lives, when we accept our bodies and our limitations as they are. So much energy spent creating stress that will only spend more energy.

Some days are just gonna have to be slower. If I'm gonna meet this 2,015 in 2015 goal, I'm gonna have to allow for more of these kinds of runs. I have to surrender the idea that I have to be faster so I can reach the goal of going longer without injury setbacks. A work in progress for sure, but today I officially surrender, even if it means I have to walk.

As my five year old would say, "Let it go."

*Sigh*

I surrender.

2,015 miles in 2015

First run on New Years Day

If there was ever any doubt that I have officially crossed the line and passed the point of no return with regard to my running, it's official now. I signed up for a challenge a few days ago, a big one. The first time I saw it, I thought, "that's cool but crazy." The next time I saw it I thought, "I couldn't even get to 1,000 miles this past year. This one seems impossible for me." Then it just stuck with me. I kept thinking about it. I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I tried to find someone to split it with me, but then found myself hoping no one did. Not that I didn't want them to do the challenge, but I didn't want anyone to jump in to split the miles with me. That way I would have an excuse to do the whole thing. Then, I decided that meant I had to do it. So, I have signed up to run 2,015 miles in 2015.

It's through Run the Edge, a running site I follow. I'll get a medal and a tshirt, and if I actually succeed with this challenge, I think I will have leveled up as a runner.

Next up, Boston, then maybe an Ultra. After that, who knows.

I'm anxious to see what happens. Can I stick with it? Will some catastrophic event stop me? Will I be this happy about it December 2015? We'll see.

I'm 9 miles in, about to log a mind numbing 5 or 6 on the treadmill after I get the kids to bed. Off I go.

Happy New Year and Happy running.