Why?

This past Tuesday, I had the freedom to run, but I didn't have the will. I try to run on a 10 day cycle. So, that means I alternate between Tuesdays and Fridays for my long runs, well, at least while my weekends are tied up in kid sports and activities. I'm usually chomping at the bit to get out and get some miles in whenever I get a chance. I like to run with a buddy, but solo is fine as long as I'm out there. Weather doesn't really matter. Unless it's unsafe, I'll be out there. Hot, cold, rainy, sunny, icy or snowy even, I'm out there. Sick, tired, crazy, unless I'm injured or bed ridden, I'll be out there. Running is something I usually gravitate toward rather than away from. I look forward to it, crave it and need it to stay sane. It has become so much a part of my life now that I can't imagine my life or my personality without it. Tuesday, though, I was ready to scrap the plan almost as soon as I drug myself out of bed. It was rainy and cold. I was tired. I was going solo. I didn't eat well the day before or that morning. My fireplace and a good book were calling my name. I just wasn't feeling it. I was even questioning why I run in the first place.

I texted a friend to tell her I didn't want to run. She offered to give me fake time splits or call me ugly names (we're reading the same running books right now, that's from Born to Run). I told her to yell at me in Spanish (that's from Eat and Run). She texted back "Soló quince millas!" Only 15 miles. Only. Ugh. I complained to myself as I strapped on my junk. I griped to the bathroom and back out. I forgot my hat. The rain stung my face. I trudged through the 1st mile. Had to pee, so I turned around. Passed people smiling, looking all happy. I was miserable. My hips were stiff and sore. My stomach was not happy with my cereal bar and water. My feet were aching. 2 miles in, and I felt like I had run 20 miles already. Back out there. "Just suck it up and get it done. You know you'll hate yourself for quitting before you're done." Over and over, I told myself. "Suck it up and get it done." By mile 4, I was soaking wet, cold and tired of the rain in my face. Then I started to settle in. My pace evened out. My heart beat and breathing combined with the rain, my hair brushing the back of my shirt and the sound of my feet hitting the ground, it all started to sound like music. It felt like music. I finally felt like running.

So, I ran. The next 11 miles were bliss. I prayed. I sang. I soaked in the rain. I enjoyed the scenery around me.

I reveled in the beauty of the run, and I was so glad I didn't scrap it all. I would have missed it. If I ever have to give it up for good, I'll miss it 'til I die.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain why I run. The time to myself, the connection and community I get from other runners, the endorphins and other happy side effects of pushing myself physically, the connection I feel with the world around me, it all somehow intertwines into this beautiful thing that makes me happy. I run because I can, and I'm so very grateful for that.

Just get it over with

The theme for today's run: Just get it over with. I think it was the very definition of 'wog'. You know a slower workout that isn't a walk because you jogged a little and isn't a jog because you walked a little. A wog is not a run/walk because in those workouts the walk is planned recovery for the harder running. This whole run was a struggle. I couldn't get my heart rate to stay in the right zone, and I had to keep walking to get it under control. It took FOREVER to fall back down to the recovery zone. Eventually, I just decided walking was going to work better and let myself walk. A surrender test? Overtraining? I don't really know the answer. All I know is that I want to get back at the hard fast fun stuff soon, but my body seems to be slowing down rather than speeding up.

I'm supposed to start my marathon peak training next week. I'm always telling fellow runners that walking is an excellent cross training activity for runners. Maybe I should take my own advice, slow this week down and walk more than I run.

The current plan for this week:

Monday - Easy 5 (actually only did 4.4 since I was a little ahead from last week)
Tuesday - Long 15
Wednesday - Easy 5
Thursday - Easy 5
Friday - Easy 5
Saturday - Hills/intervals 5
Sunday - Rest

We'll see if I can stick to it.

I surrender

I've run 61+ miles this month so far. That's more in 10 days than I ran the whole month of December. I'm super stoked about that. What I'm struggling with is how much slower I have to be to keep my heart in the right zone for my easy runs.

Today I had to run on the treadmill due to our crazy sport schedule, and I prefer treadmill workouts to be fast so I can get off the darn thing. Today, though, I kept having to walk because my heart rate kept shooting above the zone I wanted. I was struggling and frustrated with my body not doing things the way I wanted, not being efficient enough for the speed I needed for the time I wanted to spend. Then one of my new favorite songs came on my iPod, Multiplied by Needtobreathe. "God of mercy, sweet love of mine. I have surrendered to your design." My mind wandered to the design of my body, my mind, my schedule, and I found myself actually saying out loud, "I surrender."

I lowered the speed below (yes, I said below) the 12:00 minute mile pace I only allow myself when I'm out on a run with good conversation. I took some deep breaths, stopped counting my cadence and settled into a nice rythm. Soon my heart slowed, and I was singing along without a struggle. I was even able to bump the pace back up toward the end of my run allowing my ego a little less bruising, and I finished feeling like I could have done a few more miles if I had more time. That's not normal for a treadmill run for me.

It's amazing what we can do when we quit fighting ourselves, when we quit fighting all the unchangeables in our lives, when we accept our bodies and our limitations as they are. So much energy spent creating stress that will only spend more energy.

Some days are just gonna have to be slower. If I'm gonna meet this 2,015 in 2015 goal, I'm gonna have to allow for more of these kinds of runs. I have to surrender the idea that I have to be faster so I can reach the goal of going longer without injury setbacks. A work in progress for sure, but today I officially surrender, even if it means I have to walk.

As my five year old would say, "Let it go."

*Sigh*

I surrender.

2,015 miles in 2015

First run on New Years Day

If there was ever any doubt that I have officially crossed the line and passed the point of no return with regard to my running, it's official now. I signed up for a challenge a few days ago, a big one. The first time I saw it, I thought, "that's cool but crazy." The next time I saw it I thought, "I couldn't even get to 1,000 miles this past year. This one seems impossible for me." Then it just stuck with me. I kept thinking about it. I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I tried to find someone to split it with me, but then found myself hoping no one did. Not that I didn't want them to do the challenge, but I didn't want anyone to jump in to split the miles with me. That way I would have an excuse to do the whole thing. Then, I decided that meant I had to do it. So, I have signed up to run 2,015 miles in 2015.

It's through Run the Edge, a running site I follow. I'll get a medal and a tshirt, and if I actually succeed with this challenge, I think I will have leveled up as a runner.

Next up, Boston, then maybe an Ultra. After that, who knows.

I'm anxious to see what happens. Can I stick with it? Will some catastrophic event stop me? Will I be this happy about it December 2015? We'll see.

I'm 9 miles in, about to log a mind numbing 5 or 6 on the treadmill after I get the kids to bed. Off I go.

Happy New Year and Happy running.

Not your average sleep wear

I think I was feeling Christmasy.

I bought a new running outfit a couple weeks ago. I ordered it on sale with a coupon code from a cyber Monday deal I took advantage of last month. I've been stoked to wear it, but I haven't been able to run in what seems like forever (see last post). I laid it out in hope of an opportunity to throw it on and hit the pavement, but the moment never came. So, I decided to sleep in it, and by that I mean toss and turn until just before my alarm goes off. It was good for that, super soft and warm.

Oh, those blissful final moments of perfect sleep you wish could start sooner and last your entire night rather than just the last ten minutes before that horrificly annoying sound (I've tried several, doesn't matter which one, they're all awful) pierces through the silent warmth to jar you awake and remind you of all the reasons you absolutely have to get out of bed, that new outfit made those sweet minutes a little more heavenly, and the ones spent stumbling blindly across the floor to the bathroom seriously contemplating 'unschooling' my children a little more bearable.

Maybe that company should make pajamas. They do make a running onesie. Maybe that will be my next running purchase, but for sleeping.

Maybe I'll get a run in today. Who knows. I do know what I'll be wearing if I do, though.

Happy running.

Running ragged

A pic of one of the days this month that I actually left the house
in my pajamas, something my younger less stressed self
would have cringed and wagged a finger at.

I committed to a running streak at Thanksgiving. It makes me laugh now. Running streak? How about a lazy streak? I can handle that. Well, it's not really a lazy streak, just a no running streak which has lead to a crazy streak, a junk food streak, and an 'I couldn't sleep if I tried' streak. December is not the month for me to attempt to run every day. I think maybe next year I'll try a more attainable streaking goal like 'be exhausted every minute of every day for a month straight' streak, or maybe 'get your kids out the door but forget to brush your own teeth or comb your own hair' streak. Those I could do no problem during a month like December.

I ran 113 miles in November. I was averaging around 30 miles a week minus the week of Thanksgiving. Last week I ran a total of 5 miles. 5 miles! This week, I haven't run a single mile. Not 1! I am totally exhausted, though, and oddly enough, some of the muscles in my legs are sore. I'm thinking atrophy from lack of use.

I've been so busy I have barely slept more than 6 hours a night, if that, and those weren't consecutive hours. I was doing good to get one good meal a day. The other meals were on the fly and if they contained any real food at all it probably came from a drive through or a microwave. Or Starbucks. I love Starbucks. I have survived on Chai Lattes this month. I was so stressed out with all the Holiday preparations and kid stuff that comes with this 'happiest time of the year' I cried a lot, and I'm not a crier. At this very moment, I literally feel like every ounce of energy has been drained from my body. I feel worse than I did the day after my marathon. For real.

This is the part where I'm supposed to say it was all worth it to see the sweet smiles on my kids' faces, and I do love that. They are very happy, and I've heard each one of them say that this Christmas was the best one ever, something they seem to say every year. I really do love that, and I want them to have those precious memories even if it means I have to kill myself to give it to them. However, last night as I laid down to sleep, I found myself dreaming ahead to the Christmas Eve after Santa and the Elf on the Shelf have long been forgotten. When the presents are smaller and fewer, albeit more expensive, so they don't require staying up until 3 am assembling and wrapping. When I get to hang out with them watching stupid Christmas movies and laughing into the night, and when I get to sleep in before waking to cook the monster Christmas breakfast that I hope will continue to be a tradition long after all the 'kiddie stuff' has lost it's luster. I found myself looking forward to a Christmas morning I might be able to go for a guilt free run before settling in for a day of food and family. I found myself longing for the kind of Christmas Eve I remember from my teen years, and then I caught myself dreaming about the kind of young adults they will be. Then I got excited about getting to know them all over again.

I know I hear older moms say to cherish these moments even when they get out of control because they will be gone in a flash, but I think that's part of this life stage. It's chaos, and I'm just trying to survive it. I'm starting to think that the ability to truly appreciate it comes AFTER it's gone. Looking back at my teen years, I get nostalgic thinking of Holidays with my family members who are no longer with us. It's crazy the silly details I remember and cherish. If you had asked me to appreciate those moments then, I wouldn't have known how. I didn't know that would be the last Christmas with that family member or that we wouldn't all be together like that again. It was all life as usual, but now I can look back and remember with so much more appreciation and fondness for a life stage I wasn't particularly good at (seriously, I was SO glad to kiss that one goodbye).

So, on that quiet Christmas morning a few years from now as I'm running and enjoying my new found freedom to do so even on a holiday, I can look back and reminisce over all the crazy Christmases that lead up to that one and truly appreciate them...finally.

And, as I'm currently being pulled into the family room for another board game that might just set this growing headache into a full blown migraine, I'll leave you with a thought. I believe in being present and doing your best to enjoy life. I believe even when it's uncomfortable and tough, you should do your best for those little monsters that stole your youth and your cool. But, when providing a merry Christmas or a happy birthday sucks your personality dry and drains you of all your strength, I think it's ok to say that, too.

Here's to finishing off this year in a blur, and beginning the next one with big plans and lots of hope for a very different ending.

Happy Holidays, and happy running.

December Sucks...

... all my time away.

I think I need this costume.

I broke my running streak, and I mean REALLY broke it. I went days without a run. I just could NOT make it happen. I'm literally going from before sunrise to well after sunset, approximately 18 hours a day. Homeschooling two of my kids three days a week, getting those two to school prepared and covered two days a week, getting my other child to and from his full time school every day, projects, papers, parties, events, activities, the cleaning, the laundry, the clothing and feeding of said children, ALL the driving, all the 'Mommy!'s and 'I can't find my _____'s, the teacher gifts, the advent calendar, that @#$% elf on the shelf (yes, I caved into the requests for a creepy elf), it's enough to make anyone go bonkers. On top of it all, my husband is the chair on a charity board. Their main fundraiser (which is absolutely amazing) is a 10 night event running all the way up to the eve of Christmas Eve requiring weeks before to set up. He is pretty much only home to sleep in December. So, I'm on my own.

The month of December is really good for one thing, making me better appreciate the struggle single moms go through. God bless them and help them, this time of year especially.

I know they say, "if you really want to, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse." Yeah, well, that person should come take care of my kids and responsibilities so I can 'find a way' to run.

All of that to say, I've decided December is not a good month for streaking, the running kind or the naked kind, brrr. ;-) So, I'll get back to it after the New Year rolls in. On that note, I'm in the market for a new favorite Holiday. I'm thinking maybe Presidents Day, or OOOH! Maybe St. Patrick's Day, since one side of my mom's family is Irish. I'm open to suggestions, if you're one of those people I used to think were mean old Grinches, and you prefer another holiday, let me know which one and why. If you drive by my house in March and see green lights and a huge shamrock in my yard, you'll know that I made my decision, and I'm trying to have a fun, stress free holiday to replace Thanksgiving and Christmas, a holiday when I can run and not have to do it at midnight on my treadmill all alone.

Happy holidays, and happy running.