Running ragged

A pic of one of the days this month that I actually left the house
in my pajamas, something my younger less stressed self
would have cringed and wagged a finger at.

I committed to a running streak at Thanksgiving. It makes me laugh now. Running streak? How about a lazy streak? I can handle that. Well, it's not really a lazy streak, just a no running streak which has lead to a crazy streak, a junk food streak, and an 'I couldn't sleep if I tried' streak. December is not the month for me to attempt to run every day. I think maybe next year I'll try a more attainable streaking goal like 'be exhausted every minute of every day for a month straight' streak, or maybe 'get your kids out the door but forget to brush your own teeth or comb your own hair' streak. Those I could do no problem during a month like December.

I ran 113 miles in November. I was averaging around 30 miles a week minus the week of Thanksgiving. Last week I ran a total of 5 miles. 5 miles! This week, I haven't run a single mile. Not 1! I am totally exhausted, though, and oddly enough, some of the muscles in my legs are sore. I'm thinking atrophy from lack of use.

I've been so busy I have barely slept more than 6 hours a night, if that, and those weren't consecutive hours. I was doing good to get one good meal a day. The other meals were on the fly and if they contained any real food at all it probably came from a drive through or a microwave. Or Starbucks. I love Starbucks. I have survived on Chai Lattes this month. I was so stressed out with all the Holiday preparations and kid stuff that comes with this 'happiest time of the year' I cried a lot, and I'm not a crier. At this very moment, I literally feel like every ounce of energy has been drained from my body. I feel worse than I did the day after my marathon. For real.

This is the part where I'm supposed to say it was all worth it to see the sweet smiles on my kids' faces, and I do love that. They are very happy, and I've heard each one of them say that this Christmas was the best one ever, something they seem to say every year. I really do love that, and I want them to have those precious memories even if it means I have to kill myself to give it to them. However, last night as I laid down to sleep, I found myself dreaming ahead to the Christmas Eve after Santa and the Elf on the Shelf have long been forgotten. When the presents are smaller and fewer, albeit more expensive, so they don't require staying up until 3 am assembling and wrapping. When I get to hang out with them watching stupid Christmas movies and laughing into the night, and when I get to sleep in before waking to cook the monster Christmas breakfast that I hope will continue to be a tradition long after all the 'kiddie stuff' has lost it's luster. I found myself looking forward to a Christmas morning I might be able to go for a guilt free run before settling in for a day of food and family. I found myself longing for the kind of Christmas Eve I remember from my teen years, and then I caught myself dreaming about the kind of young adults they will be. Then I got excited about getting to know them all over again.

I know I hear older moms say to cherish these moments even when they get out of control because they will be gone in a flash, but I think that's part of this life stage. It's chaos, and I'm just trying to survive it. I'm starting to think that the ability to truly appreciate it comes AFTER it's gone. Looking back at my teen years, I get nostalgic thinking of Holidays with my family members who are no longer with us. It's crazy the silly details I remember and cherish. If you had asked me to appreciate those moments then, I wouldn't have known how. I didn't know that would be the last Christmas with that family member or that we wouldn't all be together like that again. It was all life as usual, but now I can look back and remember with so much more appreciation and fondness for a life stage I wasn't particularly good at (seriously, I was SO glad to kiss that one goodbye).

So, on that quiet Christmas morning a few years from now as I'm running and enjoying my new found freedom to do so even on a holiday, I can look back and reminisce over all the crazy Christmases that lead up to that one and truly appreciate them...finally.

And, as I'm currently being pulled into the family room for another board game that might just set this growing headache into a full blown migraine, I'll leave you with a thought. I believe in being present and doing your best to enjoy life. I believe even when it's uncomfortable and tough, you should do your best for those little monsters that stole your youth and your cool. But, when providing a merry Christmas or a happy birthday sucks your personality dry and drains you of all your strength, I think it's ok to say that, too.

Here's to finishing off this year in a blur, and beginning the next one with big plans and lots of hope for a very different ending.

Happy Holidays, and happy running.